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10 Celebrity Baby Names That Prove Their Parents Didn’t Love Them

Jason Merritt / Stephen Lovekin / Neilson Barnard, Getty Images

These days, we pretty much expect celebrities to name their kids something bizarre (because hey, free press) — but some of them are so bad that you can’t help but wonder if these people are such sadists that they aren’t fit for parenthood.

In that vein, we’ve put together a list of what we think are the 10 worst celebrity baby names out there. Please don’t use them as suggestions, lest you someday spend a lot of Mother’s and Father’s Days alone.

Pascal Le Segretain, Getty Images
Pascal Le Segretain, Getty Images



Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter



Our favorite patron saint of holier-than-thouness, Gwyneth Paltrow, threw hubby Chris Martin under the bus when it came to explaining the genesis of daughter Apple’s name, saying it was all his idea. But she liked it too because “apples are so sweet and they’re wholesome” and “it’s biblical.” Then she realized she was only digging herself a deeper hole and stopped talking.


Dario Cantatore, Getty Images
Dario Cantatore, Getty Images



David Duchovny’s son



Nothing screams laziness like naming your kid Kyd, yet that’s what David Duchovny and then-wife Tea Leoni did. We’d lay odds they named their cat Cat too, but it turns out Kyd was named after the poet Thomas Kyd — and what kind of celebrity names their child a freakish name like Thomas?


Alberto E. Rodriguez, Getty Images
Alberto E. Rodriguez, Getty Images


Pilot Inspektor

Jason Lee’s son



‘My Name Is Earl’ star Jason Lee must have quite an accommodating baby mama, because few women would agree to name a son Pilot Inspektor (the Kardashians would approve of the alternate spelling, we’re sure). Supposedly, Lee discovered the moniker while listening to a song called ‘He’s Simple, He’s Dumb, He’s the Pilot’ by the band Grandaddy — which doesn’t make the choice any less questionable. But hey, at least he didn’t happen upon Johnny Cash’s ‘A Boy Named Sue.’


Mike Coppola, Getty Images
Mike Coppola, Getty Images


Speck Wildhorse

John Mellencamp’s son



John Mellencamp has five kids from three women, and the names went from good to worse — with Speck Wildhorse being the youngest child. He was supposedly named after John’s grandfather Speck, so now we know poor judgment runs in the family.


Kevin Winter, Getty Images
Kevin Winter, Getty Images


Zuma Nesta Rock

Gwen Stefani’s son



Gwen Stefani and husband Gavin Rossdale’s first son was named Kingston, which is kinda cute. But the married rock stars went off the rails with baby No. 2, dubbing him Zuma Nesta Rock — supposedly after their favorite beach. But later, Stefani said she actually “stole” the name from No Doubt bandmate Tom Dumont after his wife rejected it for their own son. Maybe Mrs. Dumont just had better sense.


Brad Barket, Getty Images
Brad Barket, Getty Images


Moxie Crimefighter

Penn Jillette’s daughter



Penn Jillette gets a pass on “Moxie.” By itself, it’s cute and different. So why did he ruin it by adding “Crimefighter”? He explained it away by saying people never really use their middle names or, heaven forbid, their first and middle names together. Unless, of course, you’re Sarah Michelle Gellar. Or Jennifer Love Hewitt. Or James Earl Jones.


Jason Merritt, Getty Images
Jason Merritt, Getty Images



Nicolas Cage’s son



It’s pretty well known that actor Nicolas Cage has an obsession with comic books — after all, he abandoned his Hollywood-royalty surname of Coppola and instead uses Cage in homage to a Marvel Comics character named Luke Cage. So when he had a son, of course he named the kid Kal-El, Superman’s birth name. (He couldn’t have just stuck with Luke?)


Graham Denholm, Getty Images
Graham Denholm, Getty Images



Jermaine Jackson’s son



Jermaine Jackson isn’t your average run-of-the-mill guy — he’s a Jackson, which means normal isn’t in the DNA. He has nine kids, almost all of whom have J names, so by the time he got to the last one, Jermajesty it was. (On the upside, Jermakin’ Too Many Babies was probably already taken.)


Roger Allston, Getty Images
Roger Allston, Getty Images


Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen

Frank Zappa’s daughter



The late musical legend Frank Zappa was always weird and known for naming his children absurd things, but Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen takes the cake (so to speak). He said he chose Diva because his daughter was loud, and we can only assume the rest fell into place after a lot of hallucinogenics.


Stephen Lovekin, Getty Images
Stephen Lovekin, Getty Images


Tu Morrow

Rob Morrow’s daughter



What ‘Northern Exposure’ and ‘Numb3rs’ actor Rob Morrow did to his daughter is tantamount to child abuse. Punny names are the worst, and they make the parents who bestow them look like total tools. Especially when the poor kid is in for a lifetime of serenades from the awful musical ‘Annie.’


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